The past 6 months are gone. Few events are recorded and even fewer emotions are remembered. All this because of best intentions and everything being lost in translation. Irrational thought overriding practical sense. Washed over everything is a vague feeling of frustration that when hit, thickens and dissolves even more of the memory.
I ended a chapter in my life that was quick and painful. At first it looked swell with basic conversation and companionship but then it quickly turned into silence and walls. Before I knew it I was surrounded by so many walls growing into a labyrinth. Being who I am I aimed to break these walls and just like a fabled hydra, when one broke, many others appeared. So many dead ends. No more strength.
This was created to help her irrationally rationalize that I’m just like the other guys. That I will fail her and her trust. That I wasn’t worth it in the first place.
Forget the favors she took without gratitude, she couldn’t see me the way I am. Like a skeptic she kept looking for the trap door, smoke, mirrors, invisible strings, and fake smiles. Instead of taking in that maybe I’m a naturally good guy she decided long ago that I’m too good and therefore I must have a dark defect. There must be something wrong. What was wrong was that I’m a naturally good guy and she is used to men being horrible to her.
I know we all carry battle scars from our previous relationships and for someone to deny that fact is to deny any wrong doing in what failed in the past. Yes scars are usually on the victim but it also is a lesson to add certain values on “want/don’t want” list while acknowledging the signs that should have been heeded.
I know I ignored the red flags and now here I am reaping from what was sewed. More scares earned, more lessons learned. At least it was only the past 6 months.
There is only so much that a person can take before they end up breaking. Everyone has their breaking point.
It reminds me of Shawshank redemption. Morgan Freeman with his deep and understanding voice, telling us, there is always a breaking point. Its only a matter of time.
Sometimes, the powers that be throw us a bone and we get a reprieve. Sometimes we are left to our own devices.
Its sad when you see someone who you know is way better end up being thrown a shitty hand. Not only do you see how that someone so close and dear to you take that hand and still ante up, they know its a shitty hand and yet they still play. You can’t help them but you know they are about to lose so much and gain nothing. After all that, that someone goes back in for another worthless hand and repeats. Its amazing how much he can still have banked with how much he loses but you know that you are willing to give him your last nickel to play again. Its only a matter of time before he will stand up and walk away. That day will be a sad day.
I only hope that he gets smart enough to know he doesn’t have to try so hard with every hand and that there are some worth folding.
If only he sees what I see.
You can’t help who you love.
Seemingly at random we all fall prey to its clutches. When we are at our lowest lows and unaware, it springs out like a jack in the box. It comes with such sudden force that we barely have time to catch our breath and before we know it, we are trapped. For good or for worse we are utterly trapped.
At first its a reprieve from our dull day to day routine. It helps our inner strength get stronger giving us a vote of confidence rivaled to that of winning the lottery. The air smells sweeter, the food tastes richer, our lives more… well, lively.
Only after such a period that small hints start to fall and subtle clues emerge that things are changing. As if the curtain was being torn down in slow motion. We desperately try to grab the loose end and hang it back up but all it takes is just one tare and then like dominos, things start falling. In vain we reason with it. Make it rational with irrational thoughts. We tell ourselves “this too shall pass and it will be better again”. Its the blindness that our significant other may not have the same feelings.
Its not their fault. They find some joy with you as you do with them but just like a sea saw we find ourselves not being pushed up as much as we push them. Set a loved and cherished person on a pedestal and you will find yourself below them.
Day by day you fight urges to not gush with affection but you can’t help it. Day by day you are secretly waiting for them to say or do something so unexpected that you will be put on such a high like a junkie.
"Tomorrow will be that day" you tell yourself while being so unsure as you think of more ways to give away your lifes essence to them.
In the end you can’t help the one you love… but you can help yourself.
Everyone deserves to be happy, that means you.
When it is all said and done you finally have the strength to let go. It is your final gasp before sinking deep into the deep ocean like a sea monster hiding away from friends being emotionally closed to all who are close to you. “If you can’t be as close as my friends then what am I worth?” You ask yourself. The irrational mind takes over and once again you are left lurking the bottom of the sea, blind to the light up above. Once again you feel empty.
It must have been hard for you to cope with being left alone. It must of been hard to reach for that light.
As you repeat this process time and time again you end up taking longer and longer dives into the abyss. Eventually when you reach the top it takes longer and longer to find trust in anything that you feel. You tell your mind to close out doors once open. Rejection of yet another kind to numb yourself to. You become what you had been hurt with so many times before. You become that person who is loved but can’t or won’t love back. Feeling untrustworthy and suspicious of the world around you. You feel your innocence lost and convince yourself that you’re better off for it while in reality you are just the product of the recycled shackles of feeling. At once all feelings become blurred and mashed together and distorted until only a feeling of existence is left.
I sleep, I wake, I hide, I sleep…
It must be hard to ever find truth and when you are almost hooked you tare yourself away. “Too good to be true”
You can’t help the one you love but you can help love the one who loves you.
Late night thoughts when I should really be asleep.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. That’s what they all say matter of factly. They all say what is obvious. Even in the fairy tales the loving couple go through rough patches either together or alone.
Every couple makes their individual sacrifices as well as collectively. This too goes on from ear to ear stating the obvious.
What I find myself thinking is how much am I sacrificing in proportion to how much I’m getting back… that answer, has been more elusive than I have ever thought before.
Many friends have told me that I have endured a lot and have given up plenty but to me it all seems so small. The harsh reality I blind myself to most of the times is that all those small things add up quick like a sudden down pour.
I guess tonight my past has caught up to me and now I lay in fear that I am once again being undervalued like some first round draft bust from the NFL. With how society is today I might even go as far as saying I’m not even in the first round if we count in sexual terms. I’m most likely the 9th or lower.
So what makes me valuable? Money? Charm? Talents?
I take a mental step back and see what isn’t valued.
Hard work. Patience. Compassion.
Should these things be highly valued? Do they enrich a relationship? Have they through my own experience?
I don’t know anymore.
The truth is that I crave recognition and when I’m starved of it I will turn that absence into some deformed view that I have failed. I have failed to do what’s right. I have failed to do what’s asked of me. I have failed to do what I expect out of myself. I have failed.
I can be such a negative kid sometimes and it does me no good. It gives me no relief. It just taunts me.
Where did I go wrong? Where did I stray?
I have my fancies and enjoy a certain level of private life that every now and then gets exposed to someone who I think may be worth that precious time I hold dear to me. For one reason or another that person has earned some level of openness from my side and if anyone was keeping score I’d like to think the board would show a pretty even number on who has abused my trust and who’s maintained it. I usually will be open to those I meet but I also know exactly what I am willing to share with them and just like anyone else, will always try to keep deep seeded embarrassments in the shadow. Well this entry isn’t about all that though.
Recently I took a chance to let someone in and now I feel regret. I feel that I have wasting my time and guilty because the person I let in has done nothing to deserve to be shut out besides me not being fully invested in them. At first, it was a fun connection. Similar interests lead to endless conversations and easy going expectations. For all that connection on a mental aspect, it lacks on the physical. As I write this I’m reminded of Harry from When Harry Met Sally. You get in bed together and after the deed is done you lay there wondering how long will it take to find a reason to get up and leave. Already in the back of my mind I hear myself saying “You’re settling” over and over again.
I have never looked for perfect 10 model and I have “taken one for the team” all the while not really thinking it was a bad take. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been with a huge spectrum of mates and this recent one seems to have topped off at the wrong end of that spectrum. It’s sad really.
I know what I want and need. Some needs override wants in the most unfortunate way. If there was a metaphor for relationships and sex I’d use the movie method. Let me explain.
You see a new release on a commercial and decide to go watch it = the drive to have sex with a new girl (if it is with an old girl then let’s say it’s a movie you grabbed from your DVD collection to pass the time)
A movie can be enjoyed just by simply watching it but a movie experience isn’t fully complete without your goodies like nachos, popcorn, a drink, and maybe some redvines.
Those goodies = relationship status and the health measured on how much you bring back to your seat.
There you have it. You can watch a movie by itself and it will hold up for good or ill OR you can make that investment and enjoy the movie with all the melted cheese, butter, and sugar highs to your heart’s desire. In other words, sex is sex and a constant where as a relationship is optional.
I know I am settling and being patient will pay off in the end. I am just tired of being patient and being a bystander to my own life. I have to try and these are the pains of trial and error.