The bout of fortune I’ve had as of late has been so welcome and to an extent, so frequent that I’ve come to almost expect it. I’ve grown a disposition to see that a good day can have the potential to become even better and that one bad moment will be outnumbered with my good moments 2 to 1.
The rub is that I’ll eventually have one day where that rule will be ignored. Today was that day. A day where my work life tried my patience and my strength, I leaned on my personal to balance me out and make it all worth while. It wasn’t to be today. Not this day.
This isn’t my worst day by any stretch of the imagination. No one close died. No issues with the law. No threats to my life or anyone close to me… at least not within ear shot.
I keep those who have shaped my life close to me. Ones who have influenced it in a positive manner and given me help in my time of need. I didn’t choose them because of our past love and I didn’t keep them because of our past love. I kept them because they gave honest and harsh advice when needed. They challenged my way of thinking. They fought my stubbornness and trampled my pity parties to prove they weren’t helping my cause. How can I not keep their counsel from time to time?
And yet here I am confronted with the disappointment that the past prevents further communication….
Sudden flashes popping through the darkness giving illumination to the steady rain. Its sounds rhythmic against the overhang.
"One one thousand, two one thousand…"
A rumble tares through the air like the growl of a beast. As if some old relic of the age of dinosaurs awoke from a long slumber it roars. Close enough to hear its might but far enough to just barely feel the earth shake.
In silence I take it in, find a story, and parallel it to my life. By habit formed in my early years when everything I did was played out like a movie. Always filled with excitement, always filled with wonder, always filled with depth. I would constantly ponder how anyone would be able to convey my thoughts through a look and mimic it with my own face. No mirror needed, just the feeling of my muscles. In a way this cultivated my intuition by ignoring what would be factual like my reflection and focus on the deeper meaning hidden behind it all like knowing I was smiling just by the feeling of my cheeks.
The weather matches my mood and in turn, the heavens are opened up to weep. Or maybe I am touched by the rain and fall into the mood of the weather. This isn’t a happy rain you get with life blooming. This isn’t the somber rain you get while lowering a loved one into the ground. This is swings of emotion foreshadowing a trying time that lies ahead. Adversity awaits me over the hill.
When the time comes I’ll be ready I tell myself. Steel my nerves and brace for change. Change I have no control over either by the will of nature or by past choices that have already set life around me in motion. Change is here.
The rain sounds off like a group of drummers rapping their sticks on the surface of everything. Giving off an encore that will not end they continue.
All remains dark and the worst has passed…
Its hard not to feel fear with this all. Moments of anxiety when the thinking that what is done isn’t enough. As if a canvas is filled with color but still lacks the power to move a person into a higher sense of wonder. There is yet more that needs to be done to convey the right emotion. To show what one person is feeling to another. The lack of words or the lack of action or the lack of thought put into any one object or place or moment in time. Its a fear that’s so real and humbling. No one will ever be able to fully understand why we all go through this. Explanations will and have always ranged from the deep seeded past to media reinforcement.
To be thought of as trying too hard has an equal if not greater effect. When someone mentions that certain actions are too much and hard to digest gives just as much fear. That fear is present on both ends of the spectrum. A bell curve of sorts that doesn’t explain why but at least shows where.
How fragile a connection can look when confronted with such things. Bonds that show their weakness and become brittle to the touch.
Complex minds form basic analogies to answer these hard questions. Put into general terms as if we are talking to a child. It is the lack of experience together. It is the lack of friendship. It is the lack of knowledge. Only time can unlock these most would say. Where has all this time been spent?
Key words and phrases are often used to define truths like being a friend before a lover or companionship or comfort. How dull to be so cliché with it all yet it is these answers we hold onto so fiercely.
Where do I end and where do you start? Different lives combining together in a complex string like DNA. Each aspect crucial to the whole yet unique so much that you cannot confuse it with any other piece.
The combination being so close that lines are blurred on what’s mine and what’s yours. These lines are drawn into sand.
I had a conversation once with my sister and she told me then that I took after our dad. What drives me is having strong bonds between those I care for. Having a family is what matters even more than status and position.
Those words have hung in the air ever since and not a day passes when I see it in everything I do.
Where do you fit into all of this? Small steps taken with giant strides. I’m on an escalator being taken seemingly without effort to a new beginning. Is this where “we” starts and “us” comes into view?
Evolving this into what we envision is a play between yin and yang. Pieces traded from each other being bartered for what we believe will yield the greatest return. Risks assessed weighed against the rewards. In short, we’re taking a leap of faith.
I can’t help but notice signs that speak volumes. A tune hummed by you unknown that it is a song I cherish. The attention to detail. The intuition and confidence shown that induces an almost knee jerk reaction to divulge my mind.
When I started this I didn’t expect much more than just words exchanged. Now the inescapable truth is these words are carrying more than just dialogue. They are laced with dreams where I end and we begin.
One night where time moved along oblivious to who was keeping track and who was unsuccessful in ignoring her constant ticks, I got a reply.
The reply itself was innocent enough being that it was playful and not really asking for much. Through this I once again felt the thrill unknown. A beyond that would pale to my everyday existence of work and thoughts endlessly rebounding off my own brain. The randomness of it all sparked my interest.
Who am I to stop myself from being curious? I search constantly to find anything and everything that will challenge my perspective, to strengthen my view, to dissuade my stance, or just give me knowledge previously hidden.
I digress though. This is about what I found within someone else. This woman opened a door and out came something unexpected. I found someone who paired up with me in so many ways which still grow each day. The things we share end up being so important when this whole time I trivialized them ignoring their value. I went from the extremes of polar opposites to so similar that I delight that I don’t have to hide my desire or random train of thought.
I am ever glad that I decided to even step out my door to meet her for the first time. A chance meeting that resonated with the brightest aura I could feel and sense not matched for so long. Then came more laughter and happiness. More jokes along with splashes of funny humility.
The conversations ballooned to worldly debates on life and divulging what most would consider taboo, our own pasts. Deep seeded tidbits left off any and almost all records of association. These are things not even inner circle alum are privy to or at least not entirely. How could this have been breached so quickly and entirely?
It has left me in such a vulnerable state of which I don’t know I’ll even fully understand or recover from. I’m naked in her eyes bare and stripped of all my layers. The penetration deeper, voyaging beyond the physical into the subconscious. I am scared.
The second time I got to be in her presence cemented this. All my emotions exposed along my face. My body reaffirming the longing of her touch if not to wash me over with affection then to cover me from the prying eyes of the whole world. I am utterly naked when I stand beside her. Another night of laughs and happiness unbound ensues.
A first kiss. Both hesitant and wanting simultaneously from both sides. Does she feel the same way? Have I broken down and entered someplace where I’m not supposed to be?
A night spent together. I ask myself how fortunate, how strange, how familiar, how unexpected to be here with her in my arms. The small movements of her body, the placement of her hand, the nestling of her head on my shoulder, the moment when I know she is asleep, the soft caress of her hand along my arm.
It all replays in my mind like an unforgettable movie. All the scenes so enthralling to me. I’m captivated by it all.
Now comes the aftermath. A moment to reflect and discover truths within the actions and words spoken. Undeniably we crossed a line both hadn’t expected to leap over with such forcefulness. Now here we are placed within each others boundaries not knowing what new line of defence can be erected quick enough to feel that we have something sacred to only ourselves again. Here we question if there is even a need to have such a thing as that. An imaginary fear created by the paradox brought on by such a pairing.
How can I feel secure if there is nothing to cover up? Is this the security I had forgotten that my past great love had access as well? Where does this lead to if that’s the case?
I am afraid. I have let someone go deeper than ever before. A depth that cheats me of keeping my heart locked up.
I am now caught in a position where the only course of action is to believe she can be trusted that her sensitivity to my exposure is alright and mine is to hers.